While your body is changing when you begin to lose weight, it is hard to look in the mirror and see the new you. Before when I was much thinner and gained the weight, I had the opposite affect. I had a difficult time looking in the mirror and seeing the fact that I had put on as much weight as I had. I called it body dysmorphic syndrome. I swore I was the same skinny person but all of my clothes were tighter. I remember looking in the mirror in November 2010 and I was appalled of my appearance. It was so hard realizing I had let myself get that far. Throughout my years of weight loss, I have never felt that I have changed from the girl that had gained all of the weight. I remember people asking if I had lost weight, so they must have noticed. Even up to this November, when I had numerous people at work telling me how skinny I was I couldn't see what they were talking about because I was still seeing Kendra from 2010 in the mirror. I knew I had lost weight, but my psyche wasn't letting me see it. Seriously just this past month, I was walking into a building and I could see a reflection in the mirror of the front doors, and I remember telling myself, "that girl is adorable and so skinny" It was me! I was ashamed that I haven't given myself the credit I deserve for working so hard.
Part of my goals for 2014 is to let go of things I can't control especially when it comes to others opinions of me. I care far too much of what others think of me and it consumes and controls me. So I am letting that go, but this also means that I have to let go of the person I was in 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013. I am not that girl anymore and she doesn't control me. I have grown so much and have changed in so many ways that I need to embrace who I am today and accept whatever that is.
One of my favorite quotes to help me remind myself of this is ....
I must accept myself in order to find peace. I don't know what happened today, but it hit me and I feel peace with me.
One thing that I am finding is journaling. My dear friend Emily got me a daily journal for Christmas, where you write down one thing that day, and this journal is for 5 years. It is the coolest thing ever. "This classic memory keeper is the perfect way to track the ups and downs of life, day by day. The 365 daily entries appear five times on each page, allowing users to revisit previous thoughts and memories over five years as they return to each page to record the current day's events."
http://www.amazon.com/One-Line-Day-Five-Year-Memory/dp/0811870197/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1390448919&sr=8-1&keywords=daily+journal
So in this journal, I have decided to write down one line a day about something that I did for my health every day. It can be emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. So like one day, I wrote "I took a nap, like a two hour heaven sent nap. It was amazing" (I am not much of a napper, but on this day I NEEDED a nap). Another day it was, "I laughed on the phone with a friend and it was exactly what my heart needed." I am so excited to look back on the all the things that I have done for myself. I think it will help remind me of the great things I do that makes me a better person. This gift was perfect!
So for 2014, I see beauty, strength, bravery, drive, passion, grace, and humility, instead of thunder thighs, jiggly arms, weak core, cellulite, and love handles. I will not judge myself or talk badly about myself. I am accepting the flaws that I have, knowing I am not perfect. I will continue to let things go that I can't control. I will accept others opinions of me, as I can't change them. I will be happy with me!
Ok, done with the mushy stuff...off to bed!
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